Awakening

WOW.

So last night I had a major moment.  And today was a spectacular day because of it.  One of my family members told me that when I was drunk I was kissing another (nonrelated) family member on the neck and holding his hands and cuddling with him.  I vaguely remember that night.  I didn’t think anyone had seen me.  I also don’t remember kissing his neck.  What the fuck was I thinking?

I told my husband.  I haven’t wanted to drank since.  The family member (a very close friend) told me I am a different person while drunk.  They told me that drinking made me an evil person and I shouldn’t do it.

I have heard this before…This time it was different.  I don’t know why.  It just was.  I feel good today.  I feel stronger than I have in a long time.  My mom told me today she was proud of me. She said, “Looks like you are finally getting your shit together.” Holy shit.  I can’t express how big that is.

The other night when I posted about wanting to wake my son up and cuddle him; he woke up and fell asleep with me.  It was just what I needed.

Pain

Yeah I drank a few nights ago.  It wasn’t too bad but I was wracked with guilt.  I hated being hungover and vowed to get back on track.

Tonight I am having an incredibly hard time not hopping in my car and going to buy some beer.  I am hurting and that is why.  Rejection and hurt from both of my parents and feeling out of love with my husband.  I feel like him and I will never be in love like we once were.  If I lose him I lose his family and many other things.  I can’t do that.  Times like this though I want to leave him.  I want to pack up my baby and leave.  I won’t though.  I’ll just stay with him.  It isn’t that he’s a bad guy he just isn’t what I want most of the time.  We are both so young.  Who knows how long this will last?

Right now I have an urge to get my baby out of his bed and cuddle him.  He makes sobriety so much easier.  Whenever I’m sad or angry he looks at me and kisses.  He comes up to me and says, “Mama. Mama” and he puts his head down on my lap.  He’s asleep though and I won’t bother him for such a selfish reason.

I just want to be happy.

Screw this fucked up person I am.

Screw alcoholism.  Why can’t it die?

damn it

I was so close to drinking today.  The only reason I didn’t is because I didn’t want to get caught.

Someone said to me, “the more you turn down drinking the easier it will become.” I find this to be false.  My cravings keep getting worse and worse.  I see a liquor store and my heart goes up into my throat.  I salivate and think about alcohol’s warm embrace.  

I know I shouldn’t drink. However, I feel a slip up coming on.  I’ve already got it in my head that I’m going to drink tomorrow night.  I will get through one whole day and then I will drink and I will drink till it feels good.  I can’t wait.  I’m getting excited just thinking about it.  I know I shouldn’t…

I will though.  If it doesn’t happen tomorrow it will soon after that.  Every day that goes by my head feels like it is going to explode.  I just want the burn and warmth of some liquor!

I may as well admit that I will never be sober.  I just can’t fucking do it.

How To Ignore?

I hate negative people.  I know this person.  She is always acting like she is better than everyone.  Everyone likes her even though she is a royal bitch.  I don’t fucking get it?  What is it that makes people care what she thinks?  And why the hell do I care what she thinks?  I keep trying to ignore her dirty looks and smug comments.  I hate her.  I hate her a lot.  There’s nothing I can do to avoid her or make myself stop seeking her approval.  It is so stupid.

I want to punch her in her stupid face.  She has so many flaws but no one sees them but me.  I corrected her once and she flipped out. “You’re such a know-it-all.” Fuck you bitch I’m smarter than you and you have a freaking problem with it.

Lately, I have been dealing with so much anger.  I guess the alcohol is leaving my body and because of that I just want to punch everyone.  I see things now differently.  Things that I used to be indifferent about piss me off.  I am angry at so much.  I want to scream at all these people who I feel have screwed me over.  I feel a venom in my soul.  I want to be done with pleasing people.  I want to show everyone how idiotic they have been.  I want the fucking respect I deserve.  I don’t want people to stare at me and make fun of me because I don’t know how to talk to people.  I don’t want people to think I’m dumb and don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.  I am done with the bullshit pleasing of people. I don’t fucking care.  I’m over it.  I will demand respect.  I am starting to respect myself again and now I realize I FUCKING DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!  

To anyone reading this: If you are anything like me and let people dictate your feelings, emotions and self-worth YOU NEED TO CHANGE.  Just like I need to change.  I am going to be the person I love and like.  Not the person anyone else gives a shit about.  I always fail at making people like me anyway so why even bother?  

That feels good.  I feel like a weight has been lifted and now I am ready to begin letting things go.

Random Thoughts 1

Today I was thinking.  I was thinking about how it’s really unfair how life works.  We have no control over who our parents are or who our family is.  Then you have your personality and traits.  I have to believe that there are people built better for growing up in certain situations than others.  There is no system.  We are just thrown in to see how environment will affect our different traits.  It’s like one big science experiment.

What I’ve lost

I really want some fucking liquor today.  I want the taste, the smell and the warm embrace.  I have been irritable and furious at the simplest things.  The argument inside my head has already started.  It never ends.  Never.

lushme: Just a little so you get buzzed.  No one will know.  Just pick up a bottle next time you are out.  Drink it when they are sleeping.

me: no no no. I can’t. It will just make things worse.  If I get caught I’ll get kicked out.

lushme: no one will know.

me:ughhh

lushme: you can still drink sometimes

me: I always lose control

lushme: there were a few times when you didnt. Just do that again. Seriously, you’re barely old enough to drink.  You are going to give up having a good time at your age?

me: I want to be normal

lushme: then be normal.  All of the your “friends” go out occasionally.  Just go. Who cares? You are young fuck it.

me: What if I fuck it up?

lushme: you won’t.  You’ve learned your lesson.  Just go to the bar.  Have some drinks, have some fun.  It’s fine.  Just go dance.  You love to dance it isn’t all about alcohol.

me:….

lush overwhelms my thoughts and I start to scream silently.

Son of a bitch. I am insane.  Why is it so hard?  The hardest part is knowing that I am going to inevitably fail.  Everyone does.  I have failed so many times. I have been trying to quit drinking for two years.

What drinking has costed me: a child. relationships with my family members. respect. money. my husband’s trust.  three of my husband’s jobs.  my dignity. my credibility. my job. my education. my homes.

I should get a punching bag.  I would put my own picture on it.  I’d love to beat the shit out of myself.

Cleaning Up

I have dealt with many drunken mistakes.  They range from piss soaked bed sheets to embarrassing the crap out of myself.  The last time I drank I posted a question to a page on facebook.  I kept myself anonymous (THANKFULLY) but I ended up sounding depressive and suicidal.  The admin of the site deleted the thread and the comments.  The admin then messaged me to make sure I was okay.  He thought they were too harsh on me and that I may have tried to kill myself.  The whole thing was just ridiculous.  So yeah fuck you alcohol.

Today I felt awkward and stupid.  I was around a lot of people.  By the afternoon I had to lock myself in my room to get it together.  I emerged minutes later determined to make good impressions on people.  The rest of the day I pretty much felt out of place.  Like I didn’t know where to stand, sit or be.  I couldn’t speak in the way I wanted to.  I am so smart. Why can’t I get words out of my mouth to reflect that?  I seem so dumb.  I probably come off as a ditz.  I’m not though.  I try to prove to people that I’m not stupid but they don’t see it.  I just come off as a know-it-all.

My husband loves me.  He loves me more than I ever thought someone could love me.  I see it in his eyes.  I have done so much to hurt him.  There is no one in this world I could ever trust like I trust him.  The first time he saw me depressed I was in bed for 4 days.  He cranked up the heat so I had to get out of bed.  He stayed with me after I physically assaulted him.  He has put his hands on me.  I was drunk and dropped our baby.  There were some other incidents but I blame it on myself being a drunken bitch.  I get treated with so much love and understanding from him.  There are times though, that I want to leave him.  I don’t understand why.  I just want to be mean to him sometimes.  It’s like this sick feeling.  Maybe, just maybe, if I can cut someone down like I feel I’ve been cut down; I will feel better.  That is some sick shit.  As I type he is sleeping next to me.  I keep looking at him and crying because in my heart I know he deserves so much better than me.

I wish I could erase the past.

I wish I could change who I am.

I wish … I was never born. I feel like if I was never born so many people would be better off. I know my family would be.  When I think about all of the mistakes I’ve made I am ashamed.  I am so ashamed.  I want to hide in a hole and never come out.  I guess that should be a motivator not to drink.  So why does thinking about these mistakes make me want to drink?

I carry all this guilt with me wherever I go.  I will never be able to bring back my murdered child.  I will never be able to take back the things I’ve said to people, the things I’ve done.

It is times like this when I want to pray… but I don’t.  If I did have anything to say to God it wouldn’t be nice.

I hate going to bed.  Night.

Remember

 

Day 1… AGAIN

I have too much going on.  My brain feels too full.  My emotions are all over the place.  I can’t describe how I’m feeling.

I am quitting drinking… again.  I’ve stopped counting attempts.  Before last night I had been sober for 3 weeks (I think).  I don’t even bother making a note of the day I quit.  I end up fucking it up anyway so what’s the point?  I was confronted by someone who cares about me.  She did it in a loving way.  No one has ever done that to me before.  It meant a lot.  Even as I’m writing this a damned commercial for alcohol played.  It is fucking everywhere.  When I think about the mistakes I have made while under the influence; I just want to die.  The truth hurts.  It really does.  I’ve dropped my baby, hit my spouse in the head with a wooden object and broke his glasses, cussed people out, ruined relationships, was late to work SEVERAL times, made an ABSOLUTE ass out of myself many, many times.  Oh yeah, and almost cheated on my husband.  So why do I keep going back?  I feel like screaming.

Lately I’ve been doing better emotionally.  I’ve made some good choices for the future.  I still look in the mirror and hate myself but I’m a work in progress.  I’ve been cleaning a lot.  My bedroom is almost done.  It has come a long way from the hoarding horror it once was.  Yeah, in addition to my alcoholism I’m a messy, disgusting person.  I’m trying so hard to change that.  I have a mountain of laundry the size of an SUV.  That is not even an exaggeration.

For my entire life I have been seeking approval from people.  I am constantly trying to make people like me.  If someone doesn’t like me or they aren’t super cheerful with me; I break down.  Way down.  My mood goes from happy to depressed within a matter of seconds.  I wish I didn’t care.  I do though.  I care way too much.  I guess it’s because I never got approval from my parents BLAH BLAH psychology bullshit.  Why can’t being happy with myself be enough for me?

It is so hard for me to hear about a loving God.  I am witnessed to on a regular basis.  The person witnessing to me cares about me a lot.  I want so badly to believe.  I can’t though.  The things I’ve seen, the feelings I’ve felt… there can’t be this omnipotent thing taking care of us.  For a long time I was a christian.  I went to God for answers.  I prayed.  I meditated. I submersed myself in my faith.  I fell in love with the notion of a loving god.  I thought that I could lean on him.  I thought he would be the love that I have always been seeking.  What I got in the end was disappointment.  My depression didn’t go away.  Instead it worsened.  I really don’t believe a loving God would let me go through all of that.  I have a child.  If my child was going through something like that; I would do absolutely anything to take it away.

Why the fuck would a loving God give a baby to me?  A baby that is going to grow up and see this mess of a fucking person he has for a mother.  I love him.  Sometimes though; he’s not enough to get through the pain.  I guess when it comes down to it; I am angry.  I am angry that there isn’t an all-knowing being that hears me cry and gives me a virtual hug.

Why would a God then turn around and give me another child? A child that I poisoned with liquor unknowingly and then knowingly. A child that I aborted.  Murdered.  Jesus.  Seeing that in written form is just too much.

I have laid in bed wishing and hoping for death.  I have a goddamned ulcer from trying to off myself a few weeks ago.  Then every day I manage to make a fool out of myself.  I am so bad in social situations.  People think I am trying to be a coldhearted, conniving bitch.  They look at me and think I am trying to ruin lives and marriages.  When it comes down to it; all I am is a little girl.  I am confused, overwhelmed and lost by this world I live in.  I am misread and misunderstood.  I just want to fix everything.  I can’t though.  All I can do is watch as the world spins and I go nowhere.

I think that is enough for one day.