I really want some fucking liquor today. I want the taste, the smell and the warm embrace. I have been irritable and furious at the simplest things. The argument inside my head has already started. It never ends. Never.
lushme: Just a little so you get buzzed. No one will know. Just pick up a bottle next time you are out. Drink it when they are sleeping.
me: no no no. I can’t. It will just make things worse. If I get caught I’ll get kicked out.
lushme: no one will know.
me:ughhh
lushme: you can still drink sometimes
me: I always lose control
lushme: there were a few times when you didnt. Just do that again. Seriously, you’re barely old enough to drink. You are going to give up having a good time at your age?
me: I want to be normal
lushme: then be normal. All of the your “friends” go out occasionally. Just go. Who cares? You are young fuck it.
me: What if I fuck it up?
lushme: you won’t. You’ve learned your lesson. Just go to the bar. Have some drinks, have some fun. It’s fine. Just go dance. You love to dance it isn’t all about alcohol.
me:….
lush overwhelms my thoughts and I start to scream silently.
Son of a bitch. I am insane. Why is it so hard? The hardest part is knowing that I am going to inevitably fail. Everyone does. I have failed so many times. I have been trying to quit drinking for two years.
What drinking has costed me: a child. relationships with my family members. respect. money. my husband’s trust. three of my husband’s jobs. my dignity. my credibility. my job. my education. my homes.
I should get a punching bag. I would put my own picture on it. I’d love to beat the shit out of myself.
agirlrebuildingherlife 